Self-image

Honesty affects all aspects of life.  

This is not an overstatement or over-generalization.  This is truth.  The more one ponders on this truth, the more evident it becomes, and the more one is empowered to use it in his life.

If I cannot look at myself honestly, I will never be able to look at others honestly.  Said another way, my refusal to look fully at myself becomes my refusal to look fully at others.  I will never fully know, love, or appreciate others until I fully know, love, and appreciate myself.  "Love thy neighbor as thyself," said the greatest Teacher in the world.  It was not only a mandate, but a statement of truth.  We cannot love our neighbors more than we love ourselves.

How do you feel about yourself?  Are there parts of you that you hate?  Then there are parts of others that you hate?  Not until we can look at ourselves fully in the mirror, completely naked (this is true both in this metaphoric sense and also in a physical sense--if you hate your physical body, you're still hating yourself) and love that being completely, blemishes and all, will we be able to do this for others.  Do not pretend to say that you have patience for others weaknesses, but not your own.  Let that be the first sign that you are lying to yourself and will be damned until you fix it.

So what is to be done with weaknesses?  Especially those ones we just cannot seem to immediately fix.

The alcoholic is a great example for us.  The alcoholic who has learned to deal with his problem does not hate himself for his weakness.  He understands it is merely a part of him and adjusts accordingly.  He avoids alcohol, but that does not mean he is paralyzed--sitting, wringing his hands at home, hoping that a bottle of alcohol doesn't sneak up on him and surprise him.  He accentuates the things he can do and the things he can enjoy.  It is the same with us.

We must learn to accept our weaknesses as part of ourselves and love ourselves notwithstanding.  This does not mean we do not seek to change; it means we are patient with change and keep ourselves away from situations that would put us in a place to hurt ourselves and/or others because of that weakness.

The practical applications are endless.  The man who struggles with pornography makes sure to stay away from the internet when he is alone until he has truly beaten the problem.  The overeater avoids eating alone until the weakness is conquered.  We all have them--what's yours?

Once acceptance has taken place, solutions can be found for avoiding hurting ourselves and others, and we can then move past the weakness and accentuate the positive.

Before going on let me state that those things which are our greatest strengths are, or can be, usually also our greatest weaknesses.  This topic deserves its own entry, but let that suffice for now so that we can use this truth as we move on.  This ties directly into accentuating the positive and overcoming the weakness.

Perhaps the porn addict finds that his weakness is driven in part by his love for and curiosity about the human body.   This is a great thing!  He can take this and apply it as a strength.  Perhaps he takes an anatomy class and develops a tremendous respect for the body.  His passion drives him to learn all he can and excell, and the learning educates the mind as well as the soul and passions.  Perhaps the alcoholic (putting genetic factos aside, which obviously play a large role and are the reason why many alocoholics simply never touch alcohol again) finds that his excess is caused by a desire to relax and escape.  This, too, can be turned for good.  He simply needs to find another positive way of doing the same thing.  Perhaps it is exercise, playing music, cooking, who knows?  But the truth of the matter is this: we are all good at some things.  We can find things that we love about ourselves.  Then we must focus on those things--expand upon them.  We will find satisfaction, joy, and confidence as we do so.  And avoid situations where we know we may fall until our weaknesses become our strengths and we are ready to handle them appropriately.

As we do this, we will find that we begin to see others differently.  We will be less critical.  People will enjoy our presence, even hunger for it, for we will help them do what we have done--that is, see what is uplifting and strong inside them.  And we will help them accentuate it.  We will find that we truly begin to love others.  But it must start at home.  If that home is one you hate and find ugly, do what you can to change it or to change your attitudes.  

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

If the garden is ugly, find the flowers that seem to be growing best and uproot the other weeds and allow more of that good flower to grow.  And focus on that growth.  Little by little, you will make the changes to the other parts of this "house" and become more and more pleased.  But if you cannot accept it and love it for what it is, good luck even getting started.  

Learn to love yourself.  

The "naked in the mirror" thing might be a good place to start......

A post-script: I would be dishonest if I did not include a few thoughts of my faith, for I believe it is the only way real growth occurs.  A man may change his actions (stop yelling at his children for example), but real change occurs within the desires of one's heart (this man's problems with anger and patience may not have changed).  Only God can give us a new heart.  It is incredible to me that as I have turned to Him in prayer and pleading, seeking help with some weakness, I have seen those weaknesses dissappear.  Suddenly, I do not even have a desire for them.  My heart changed.  By a power outside myself.  "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)  We can struggle and try and fail and feel like we accomplish little; or we can turn to the source of all goodness and turn it over to Him.  His grace truly is sufficient.

On Making Mistakes and Improving

I am a deeply religious person; however, I had originally considered trying to keep this page merely philosophical in approach, but am abandoning the idea, because I really can't separate the two: my philosophy grows out of my religion. Those of you who would accept philosophical ponderings, but are unwilling to read religious material (whether having a belief in God or not) lack wisdom and therefore can suffer in it. For the rest of humanity...

I work at a place called the Missionary Training Center where LDS (Mormon [The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints]) missionaries are (surprise) trained before going to some spot around the world to spread the good news about Christ and His living prophets. My department helps missionaries become better teachers that they might more effectively share the important message we have. Part of how I do this is called the "training model", which entails explanation, demonstration, practice, evaluation, re-practice, and the evaluation again and conclusion. My good friend Rebecka Ronndahl asked me about a month ago how to apply this pattern in our own life for growth. She felt what Neal A. Maxwell described in his talk Notwithstanding My Weakness: "Now may I speak, not to the slackers in the Kingdom, but to those who carry their own load and more; not to those lulled into false security, but to those buffeted by false insecurity, who, though laboring devotedly in the Kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short....The first thing to be said of this feeling of inadequacy is that it is normal. There is no way the Church can honestly describe where we must yet go and what we must yet do without creating a sense of immense distance. Following celestial road signs while in telestial traffic jams is not easy, especially when we are not just moving next door—or even across town." Rebecka felt that distance acutely and wanted to bridge the gap and was frustrated, I think, with what seemed like slow progress and frequent mistakes.
I have long pondered about how we can apply the pattern for teaching from the Missionary Training Center in our lives in a way that can lead to growth as it does for the missionaries, though in different arenas. In pondering I have come to feel that it really is no different than in the MTC. At times we do not even know we are "missing something" (for the missionaries this might be not asking questions or asking questions poorly; for us it might be doing something wrong or not doing it at all when we ought to be); it often takes someone to point it out to us. This is most effective when done through the scriptures and accompanied by demonstration (seeing positive examples). Then we have opportunity to retry, or try to do it for the first time. Even when we know what it is we want to do, sometimes we lack the experience or knowledge of how to do it or our bad habits get in the way of doing it. It often takes repeated practice (and failure [opportunities to learn]) to make it happen. We get feedback, we re-evaluate, we set goals, and we try again.
What are the dangers? The same as for the missionaries: discouragement or thinking they aren't good or can never do it. And what is it we tell missionaries? We emphasize the good – the improvement each time. And tell them to focus on that and not to get too caught up in it all. Because we know they will be all right. They just need time. So we help them remember that in the end they are the Lord's missionaries and that their effort and desire are really the most important things and that God will make up the rest and to trust that.
Is it any different for us? My inability to ask good questions as a missionary is an imperfection to be corrected, just as a problem with vain thoughts or anything could be. (And perhaps the issue with questions is even more detrimental to others and to their salvation [due to how critical they are to teaching] than just some stupid vain thoughts.) So why are we so patient with one and so impatient with the other?
Learn the doctrine, see good examples, try, get feedback (which is why we must find those we can trust and share our burdens with them [the things that we struggle with as well as our successes, hopes, desires, etc.] – so we can get feedback from close friends!), and re-practice with perspective! My sins have been paid for. Holding onto them or being upset by them does me no good. In fact, it gives Satan power and makes God angry! (see 2 Nephi 4:26-29 [sometimes we see our weaknesses as our enemies] and Alma 33:16) So I just need to get over it. I try my best; I feel bad when I make mistakes and use that emotional energy to impel me to do better; and then I move on. I let go of the mistake. It doesn't define me. I'm still a king or queen in the making (see Revleation 5:10) just learning my lessons. God has such things in store for us; we cannot comprehend! The Atonement is there for use! It helps us both remove negative weeds and cultivate flowers of character (see The Atonement: All for All by Bruce C. Hafen). And thus I grow, remembering Christ suffered so I don't have to(see D&C 19:16) if I would do my part, which is to offer a broken heart and a contrite spirit (see 3 Ne. 9:20) and the heart and a willing mind (see D&C 64:34). Our very desire to improve and be godly defines our broken-heartedness and becomes our key to justification and sanctification by the Spirit. So we don't need to worry when we make mistakes – they are paid for! No, we don't want to sin or be callous towards the Atonement. There are those who need to be worried about being too callous, and there are others who will need make sure they are not so concerned with "hurting the Savior" that they really end up hurting Him by not fully taking advantage of His gift bought at so great a cost (a price already paid – a hurt He's already done and finished). When we look at our mistakes this way, our gratitude for the Atonement and our Savior increases, and we truly begin to grow. Christ has paid for our sins – let us "rejoice and be glad" (Psalms 118:24)! I am going to make mistakes; it's just going to happen. In fact, it's part of the program. God knows it and knew it and that's why He sent His Son. Like a missionary learning a new language, getting caught up in the mistakes doesn't help. With a humble, penitent, but well-perspected chuckle --knowing that such actions are not worthy me - that I'm better than that and that I'll do better than that - knowing that I'm a king and I'm going to live like it and that I'll make it – I'm just learning -- I then go off with a smile, grateful for my Savior, and determined to do better and try again.